Hi Simone,

I listen to you on Loveline and want to ask about what to do! For the last few months, I have been having a lot of one-night stands. Although I’m always careful, I confess that I’m not finding them very fulfilling. At times I’ve found myself feeling quite used. I’m not deliberately going out of my way to have one-night stands, in fact, I’d like a relationship, but I also love sex and so in the meantime, well, I think I might as well. I suppose in a way I’m ‘shopping around’ but while at times fun, I suspect it’s not the best way to start a relationship.  How can I get out of this cycle?

I don’t get the whole one-night stand thing. If a man doesn’t know how you take your coffee in the morning, how can he really know what turns you on? Rubbish sex is more frustrating than no sex at all, don’t you think? Sex also loses its shine when it fails to live up to unrealistic demands. Too many of us have been in a similar situation to yours. Using sex to be close with somebody. That ‘body’ for a short moment, gives you hope that your Facebook status is about to change. But post climax, the harsh reality is often that you’re left with a bigger emotional hangover than you had the night before. You don’t feel good about what you’ve done and to make matters worse, usually, the ‘body’ you’ve just slept with isn’t someone you’d like to date anyway.

So how do you get out of this cycle? I think you’ve done a lot of the hard work already. You’ve realized you don’t feel good about what you’re doing. Instead of more ‘shopping’, try doing what a single pal of mine does. To get her head round sometimes feeling lonely in bed, she chooses to share the space with a special friend. He’s called Stevie. He has batteries; and when he’s excited he buzzes. You see, with Stevie, you decide when, where and how often you have sex and you feel good about yourself afterwards. Stevie doesn’t make you feel used. In fact, he’s the perfect gentleman. He lets you come first! As for being single: Do what smug marrieds and couples complain they don’t get enough of. Spend some quality time with yourself. Hang out with your friends; start a new hobby; even go for therapy and find out how you tick. If your life is full, and the better you know yourself deep down, the chances are, not only will you be happier and less likely to sleep with some ‘body’ because you feel lonely, you’re far more likely to spot a perfect catch when he comes along. Good luck!

Hi Simone, 

I’ve heard callers on Loveline talk about their younger guys! I’m in my mid 30s and my boyfriend is seven years younger than me (lucky me!). Our sex life is great, but I’ve heard that women reach their sexual peak around my age so I’m worried that in a year or two I’m going to be past it. Is there anything I could do to prolong my peak?

Once a week, eat three cloves of garlic, mixed with horny goats weed from China… I’m sure I’ve read that somewhere. Like most other claims about prolonging your sexual peak, I haven’t seen any convincing evidence that any of them actually work. So I remain sceptical about this kind of thing and anything like it.

The idea of men and women having different peaks arose after Alfred Kinsey, the renowned sexologist, discovered that women in their 30’s had more orgasms than they did at any other time in their lives. Beneath the attention grabbing statistics, there are many factors – other than the physiological – that will have contributed to his findings. One of them is as simple as a woman feeling more confident and content as a thirty something. This may or may not be the case for you. But my point is, your sexuality is unique. It’s made up of physical, emotional and environmental factors. What’s going on for you both personally and in your relationship can change from day to day and week to week. For example, whatever your age, if you suffer some kind of loss or stress, the frequency of how often you want sex will change (and most likely be reduced). Alternatively, if you are having a good run of things, your sex drive could be as rampant as it was in your early 20s.

Of course it’s true that levels of testosterone (dubbed the desire hormone) in women drops as we age. But, testosterone alone doesn’t account for your sex drive. It’s simply one part of the mix. You could always get your levels checked, but no amount of testosterone will make you like (and want to be physically close to) your boyfriend if you’re arguing. The point is, sex isn’t about reaching a mythical peak at age 31 ¾ before everything goes downhill from there for the rest of your life.  Ask any 70 year old who enjoys their sex life (and many do, believe me). So in answer to your question: Are you on your way down or your way up on the (fictitious) chart? Who cares! The only sex rule you need to be following is the one that it sounds like you know already – enjoy it!