Should I Stop Having One Night Stands?

Hi Simone,

I listen to you on Loveline and want to ask about what to do! For the last few months, I have been having a lot of one-night stands. Although I’m always careful, I confess that I’m not finding them very fulfilling. At times I’ve found myself feeling quite used. I’m not deliberately going out of my way to have one-night stands, in fact, I’d like a relationship, but I also love sex and so in the meantime, well, I think I might as well. I suppose in a way I’m ‘shopping around’ but while at times fun, I suspect it’s not the best way to start a relationship.  How can I get out of this cycle?

I don’t get the whole one-night stand thing. If a man doesn’t know how you take your coffee in the morning, how can he really know what turns you on? Rubbish sex is more frustrating than no sex at all, don’t you think? Sex also loses its shine when it fails to live up to unrealistic demands. Too many of us have been in a similar situation to yours. Using sex to be close with somebody. That ‘body’ for a short moment, gives you hope that your Facebook status is about to change. But post climax, the harsh reality is often that you’re left with a bigger emotional hangover than you had the night before. You don’t feel good about what you’ve done and to make matters worse, usually, the ‘body’ you’ve just slept with isn’t someone you’d like to date anyway.

So how do you get out of this cycle? I think you’ve done a lot of the hard work already. You’ve realized you don’t feel good about what you’re doing. Instead of more ‘shopping’, try doing what a single pal of mine does. To get her head round sometimes feeling lonely in bed, she chooses to share the space with a special friend. He’s called Stevie. He has batteries; and when he’s excited he buzzes. You see, with Stevie, you decide when, where and how often you have sex and you feel good about yourself afterwards. Stevie doesn’t make you feel used. In fact, he’s the perfect gentleman. He lets you come first! As for being single: Do what smug marrieds and couples complain they don’t get enough of. Spend some quality time with yourself. Hang out with your friends; start a new hobby; even go for therapy and find out how you tick. If your life is full, and the better you know yourself deep down, the chances are, not only will you be happier and less likely to sleep with some ‘body’ because you feel lonely, you’re far more likely to spot a perfect catch when he comes along. Good luck!